Fairouz

New [medical] appointment survey, another opportunity to Think about where

The pain is and how bad it is.

I lost count of how many times I had to tell The story again, so many

doctors and nurses got to see me weak and desperate. I choose to be

vulnerable with them cause I hope they can fix it, I know They can't but

Yet again, I'm desperate :(

I see in the news, the whole world is increasing “defense” spending and

cutting science “funding”. Funding is just a word for priority, it’s a statement declaring that people who can focus on this work will be allowed to survive, find a shelter, and put food on the table (unless you’re rich ofc, the rest of us are modern-day slaves).

I see what the world is doing and feel my pain in my body, I immediately

realize, so many people like me, people with chronic conditions, unrecognizable or incurable ones, we are victims of war, collateral damage that can't be blamed on one specific battle, but on war as a concept.

Maybe I'm doomed to live in pain forever (3+ years now and no diagnosis yet), but it is morally bankrupt, and I want a better future for humanity.

My cursed body is doomed to suffer, my messed up family can’t help, and the world is busy making more wounds, too busy to cure the ones we have.

I want to replace anger with peace, I want to learn how to acquire that peace. Weed, meditation, more doctor visits, and repeated attempts to seek relief are just a sad attempt to acquire that peace, in reality, I feel at peace only when I cry, and I do cry, a lot!